5 Takeaways from a Stay at Home Foster Papa.
By Shaun Shuler
“There is no better gift to give a child than a family.” -Anonymous
According to most statistics listed online, there are approximately 400,000 children in foster care in the United States. Since my wife and I can’t have children, we have gone over all our possible options. After months of discussions, prayers, arguments, tears, and a timely Facebook message, on Mother’s Day 2018, we decided to go through the courses and get certified to foster and adopt.
We came in wanting to foster only one child and we are now doing three, (a detailed story for another day).
Between me working an hour away from home, and my wife having a full time job at a hospital with its own crazy hours, it was difficult to juggle schedule and appointments. Doctors’ visits, bio parents’ visits, court dates, social worker home visits, just to name a few. Even before fostering, we have always prayed to be able to be as hands on as possible with our children. This, plus all the time demands needed to foster are just a few reasons why we made a decision for me to retire from my job after 23 years to be a stay at home papa.
5 Takeaways from a Stay at Home Foster Papa:
#1. Fostering is easier than we thought
In a nutshell, once you go through all the classes, get certified and pick your preferred age range to foster, the phone will start ringing. When we got our first call for a 10-month-old boy, it was both exciting and scary. Nevertheless, when he showed up, he was so adorably amazing.
This began an incredible adventure, and 16 months later we are taking care of an 8-month-old, a 19-month-old, and that 1st little boy is now a 2-year-old. All you need to know though is if you have a heart and passion for children, then opening your home and loving a foster child is very easy.
#2. Fostering is harder than we thought
Going through eight weeks of training while having two full-time jobs at the time, as well as all the homework, background checks, and getting references turned in was a rigorous challenge. Sure, poopy diapers, temper tantrums, and being a referee between the kids isn’t always fun, but it is the emotional stress, worry, and uncertainty that we weren’t fully prepared for. How long will we have them? If they go back home, will they be safe? Will we be able to see them again? Will they ever know how much we loved and still love them?
The fears are extremely difficult, and would often keep us up at night. We knew what we signed up for and know that reunification is the main goal of fostering. However, loving unconditionally while wearing your emotions on your sleeve and not knowing all the when’s, where’s and how’s, takes strength and grace that can only come from GOD.
If they are only with us for a limited time, our goal is to love them sacrificially and pray it makes a difference in their little lives.
#3. Impossible to not get attached
I went into this with the mindset to not get attached knowing that they may go back to the parents or a relative. After our first placement flashed his incredible smile at me, I was totally hooked.
After we received the news that our first placement would be going home to a relative soon, my wife and I became very distraught. The next day after she got home from work, she stayed in her car and cried her eyes out and then resolved that she will take care of him, devoid of emotions and try not to get emotionally attached more than she already is. All it took when she came in the house was for that sweet baby boy to run to her with his arms outstretched for a hug, and all her resolve flew out the window.
It’s impossible to truly love these kids and not become attached. We just have to remind each other that at the end of the day, it’s not about what we feel, but all about what they need. What they need is to be loved unconditionally. We as the adults can and will bear the pain that they were never meant to carry.
#4.When They Need Papa
It is priceless when they run up to me with a big smile, arms extended out and say Papa and give me a big hug or want me to pick them up and hold them. I find this to be an incredible gift and makes all the tough days totally worth it.
So, you may be wondering, why Papa over Daddy?
All of these children already have a dad or daddy. Their worlds are already confusing and uncertain and I don’t want to add to the confusion by them not knowing why they have 2 mommies and 2 daddies. Nowadays most people don’t use papa anymore so I chose Papa Shaun and my wife chose Mama G to make a slight distinction between us and their birth parents.
Also, while working with the birth parents we want them and their families to know that we’re not trying to be a replacement. They will always have a mommy and a daddy but through these circumstances they will also have a Mama G and Papa Shaun.
#5. Being a part of something bigger than myself
We learned in our classes that neglect and abuse rewires a child’s brain that can affect their behavior. It doesn’t matter how old or how young, because it affects a baby even if the distress happens during pregnancy. Even though it’s impossible to know everything that they’ve gone through, even at such a young age they have been affected in a negative way.
It simply goes back to loving on them, being patient with them, being there for them day or night, and to bring consistency and normalcy to their lives.
Being front row witnesses to watch them grow and develop is an incredible honor. Knowing that we have a hand in their physical, emotional, and spiritual development is a responsibility we do not take lightly.
Seeing the absolute pure joy and innocence of these little miracles would make anyone want to do everything in their power to protect, nurture, and love them unconditionally.
“There are no unwanted children. Just unfound families.” -Anonymous
If you want to learn more about fostering visit dcfs.la.gov. Also, I recommend watching the movie Instant Family for a pretty accurate portrayal of the fostering process. My wife and I have watched it multiple times and without fail, at certain parts, we get emotional every time, because it hits so close to home.
Thank you for visiting and please leave any comments, questions, prayer requests, or ideas for new topics you’d like for me to discuss in the comment box below.
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